Saturday, June 30, 2007
Cheney Adds Fifth Estate to Standings
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"As I have revealed in the last couple of weeks, I'm anything I want to be, with full privileges, of course. Now it's time to take a hands-on approach to the media."
Cheney held an interview with himself in a room he commandeered in the White House Press Center. "The great thing about joining the White House Press Corps is my First Amendment right not to reveal my sources," he said. "That just about wraps things up."
Cheney the older was interviewed by Cheney the younger. "It's nice to see my hair again," he said. "Really takes me back to when I was just a young guy knocking up Lynne to get out of the draft."
Tony Blair Leaves 10 Downing Street
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Blair's move immediately caused controversy among some of the other dogs, since Daisy Hill specializes in Pomeranians, not poodles.
"He used his connections to get into Daisy Hill," sniffed Poomba, a white Pom who was taking the grievance public. "Snoopy got him in, and it's been years since Daisy Hill bred beagles. I absolutely hate that celebrity shit."
Nevertheless, Blair ignored the flap and pronounced himself satisfied with his new surroundings. "Here, I'm just another lapdog. There's really nothing wrong with that."
Friday, June 22, 2007
Cheney Explains Why His Office Isn't Part of the Executive Branch
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Perhaps the Dickster is paving the way for a Scooter pardon. Perhaps by cutting himself loose from the Executive Branch he hopes to make himself difficult to find, if ever the impeachment wagon rolls into his neighborhood. Perhaps his heart medications are playing with his head, having found no heart in the man to medicate.
As always, the Vice President continues to entertain, if not our fancy, our incredulity.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Where All Republican Emails Go
I don't know what all the fuss is about. There are Republican emails
in cyberspace, and what's more spacious than a black hole?
You America haters are so obvious. Didn't you ever hear of our right to privacy? Our unelected leaders, like Karl Rove, are entitled to no less privacy than Paris Hilton has when she wants to make pee pee.
I think all those irresponsible bloggers who keep whining about accountability in government ought to get a life. Hello, it's the government, for pete's sake. It's supposed to be dysfunctional! That's why God made corporations! Duh!
So the Republicans are just doing their part: trying to make sure we recognize the evil nature of government by keeping it evil so that we will be more enamored of private enterprise than ever. Maybe Halliburton can end up running our country, instead of just Iraq. That citizenship junk is too complicated for me.
In the meantime, don't come Paul Revere-ing to me about how the people who work in government are supposed to be practicing active transparancy and accountability. They need to have their dirty little secrets like the rest of us. After all, the activities of this administration strongly resemble making number two. You don't want to witness that, do you?
Now shut up and change the channel. I hear ABC has some terrorist news on.
Let's get scared! It's the new titillation.
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You America haters are so obvious. Didn't you ever hear of our right to privacy? Our unelected leaders, like Karl Rove, are entitled to no less privacy than Paris Hilton has when she wants to make pee pee.
I think all those irresponsible bloggers who keep whining about accountability in government ought to get a life. Hello, it's the government, for pete's sake. It's supposed to be dysfunctional! That's why God made corporations! Duh!
So the Republicans are just doing their part: trying to make sure we recognize the evil nature of government by keeping it evil so that we will be more enamored of private enterprise than ever. Maybe Halliburton can end up running our country, instead of just Iraq. That citizenship junk is too complicated for me.
In the meantime, don't come Paul Revere-ing to me about how the people who work in government are supposed to be practicing active transparancy and accountability. They need to have their dirty little secrets like the rest of us. After all, the activities of this administration strongly resemble making number two. You don't want to witness that, do you?
Now shut up and change the channel. I hear ABC has some terrorist news on.
Let's get scared! It's the new titillation.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Jesus Writes George a Pass
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"Jesus said I could," said the President. "He's grateful to me for leverating Iraq and making its people free. Even if I fall off the wagon, all I have to do is tell him I'm sorry, and it's okay. I get to. Those are the rules."
Claiming a tummy ache, Bush skipped several afternoon meetings before returning for an evening cocktail party, where he attempted once again to give a massage to Angela Merkel.
"She wants it. I know she does, "he said.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Cheney, Spector Huddle on Legal Defense Strategies, Share Makeover Tips
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Cheney was drawn to Spector out of sympathy for Spector's legal woes when he read about their common interest in mixing guns with friendships. Spector has pulled guns on John Lennon and Leonard Cohen, among others, before going on trial for the shooting death of actress Lana Clarkson, while Cheney finally loosened his inhibitions in order to shoot longtime friend Harry Whittington in the face on a hunting expedition. In a private conversation leaked to this blog, Cheney admitted that it was only a matter of time before he, too, would find himself in the courtroom, though probably not for firearms-related offenses.
Cheney was supportive of Spector, but critical of his two courtroom looks: the elaborately coifed 'fro that Spector wore to his preliminary hearing (above), and that of the lesbian real estate agent that he has featured during his trial.
"Let's face it--the homophobia that our administration has cultivated to distract the American people from our corruption and our bungling isn't going to help you in the jury room," Cheney told Spector. "Timing is everything, and you ain't got it."
Cheney then offered his own look, that of a blatantly boring but privileged felon to whom the law does not apply, for the duration of Spector's trial. He also tried on Spector's look as a dodge, should Patrick Fitzgerald decide that he had convicted the wrong man for the Valerie Plame affair.
"It's good to get together," Spector said after their meeting. "I believe that I bring needed diversity to the Bush administration."
Cheney, for his part, appreciates Spector's creation of the classic 'wall of sound.'"We had it installed at the White House at the beginning of our administration. I don't know what we'd do without it."
Monday, June 11, 2007
Bush Loses Participle after Senate Vote
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George W. Bush won a victory of sorts today when the Senate's attempt at a no-confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was blocked by Republicans and the nauseatingly overpious Joe Lieberman, who, nonetheless said that Gonzales should 'look into his soul.'
President Bush said, however, that he had already looked into Gonzales's soul. "I done that right after I looked into Putin's soul. I like Gonzales's soul. It doesn't have anything that mine doesn't have, so I know it's okay. He's just doin' what I want him to do. That's his job.
"This process has been drug out a long time," Bush added. "It's political."
Friday, June 08, 2007
Bush, Putin Rekindle Spiritual Connection
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"I thought that President Bush would prevail, but clearly, Putin's public remarks about him have put him at a disadvantage," commented an aide. "Given the tension between them, I was hoping that they would begin with an old fashioned wah-wah-tusi, but the orchestra played only waltzes, leading to the question of who would lead."
The slower dance gave the two a greater chance for intimacy, however. By the tune's end, they were said to be gazing deep into each other's souls.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Bob Barker Joins Republican Race
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"Since no candidate has scored a clear connection with Republican voters, I am declaring my intention to run for the presidency," Barker declared.
"He certainly is an old, very white man," mused one bystander in the crowd gathered outside Barker's campaign headquarters. "He has more name recognition than Fred Thompson, and he's shown consistency of sorts. He's been showing up to do those game shows for over 30 years."
Barker announced that he was a born-again Christian and a family values candidate, a statement that drew sharp criticism from rival Mike Huckabee. "This is the first we've ever heard about Barker's religious views. And what about that sexual harassment deal a few years back?"
When asked about Huckabee's charges, Barker had two responses. "That whole thing was before I asked Jesus to come into my life as a personal savior. Anyway, who's heard of Mike Huckabee outside Arkansas?"
Regular viewers of the Price is Right said they would welcome a Barker candidacy. "He gives you stuff if you just know the price of things," one said. "The other candidates don't even know how much a quart of milk costs. And they certainly don't give you stuff."
Barker stated that, unlike Rudy Giulani, he would be present for the Iowa caucuses. "We've had many, many contestants from Iowa on the Price Is Right," he said, "and they've done very well. Now it will be their turn to give something back."
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Scooter, Paris Sentenced to Cohabit Popemobile
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"We have long talked about transparency and accountability. We believe that the use of the Popemobile will bring about both," said Warden Gregor Gotja in an exclusive interview.
Officials wanted to experiment with the Popemobile on what are two relatively minor cases in anticipation of its use with such "bigger fish" as Vice President Dick Cheney and political advisor Karl Rove.
The U.S. Department of Justice purchased the Popemobile when Pope Benedict XVI decided to upgrade the pontiff's transportation. Attorney General Alfonso Gonzales used it for his personal transport until critics of the administration called the practice to the public's attention. Gonzales claimed that he was only "quality control testing" the vehicle as a possible means of presenting the President to large crowds.
"He wants to bless crowds as the personal representative of both God and America on earth, and we thought this might be an acceptable venue. However, given the overcrowding in our nation's correctional facilities, we've decided to go in another direction."
Ms Hilton was lukewarm when asked about sharing the Popemobile with Libby. "I'm used to my own room."
Correctional officials indicated that cohabitation with Libby was part of the heiress's punishment.
I'm Waiting Till They Pay ME
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Big opportunity!
Photo-ops with President Bush used to cost big Republican donors $25,000.
Now, for the bargain basement price of $5,000, you can have your picture taken with ol' Ostrich Balls himself.
Apparently the value of being seen with Dubya is in decline.
None of the Republican hopefuls seem to have heard of the man, either.
Tsk.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Tagged by Jood, I Deliberate
I was pleased to be tagged by Diva Jood, whose writing I admire a great deal, regarding three books I love. One of the benefits of working in a library is the flow of information regarding books that others have read and loved. I have a very long list of to-reads, and I never know which of them I will take on next.
For example, I'm currently reading Nabakov's Lolita, because the book I want to read after that is Reading Lolita in Tehran, a book that my spouse greatly admires. It seemed empty-headed of me read it without taking on Nabakov first, even though the subject matter was bound to be somewhat yucky for me. (Actually, and perhaps perversely, I am enjoying it.)
In any case, on to the task laid out for me by Jood. With the exception of the last, these are books and writers that I remain in perpetual awe of:
I usually rave about Zadie Smith first, when asked about writers and books I admire. Her first novel, White Teeth, surpassed in delight and skill what any first novel ought to be able to accomplish. Funny, bright, delightfully labyrinthian and astonishingly well constructed, she lays out three families and their interactions with each other. It's just too much fun. While we're at it, On Beauty was a finalist for the Booker Prize last year, and as prizes go, I'll take its short list over the Pulitzer and the National Book Award in our country any old time.
I may have already raved about Jennifer Egan, another young whippersnapper whose writing blows me away. I am thinking of her amazing Look at Me, a novel about a model whose face is destroyed in a traffic accident. She sails through the world of NYC fashion and modeling, and takes us home to the protagonist's Midwestern city. If everyone is to look at everyone, nobody is actually seeing very much. God, she's good.
This one's a children's book. I read it yesterday while I was cataloging it, and I howled with delight. If you know any little girl who is about to share the stage with a new baby, I recommend this as a gift for her. The big sister instructs the baby on how to be itself, while noting what a drag it is to be a baby as opposed to the better lot of the older sister, who has pals, autonomy, and keen things to do, as to baby who pees, poops, and is entirely dependent on his parents. Really fun.
I must also mention briefly Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs, The Liars' Club by Mary Karr, and Quick Fire and Slow Fire by Irene McKinney.
Now, on to the tagging part, passing the same task on to five people.
I must start with Karen Zipdrive, my original blogger pal, freelance writer, and magazine editor, and, most importantly, friend of many years. She's mighty bright and funny. I'd love to know what reads have fed her.
On to Sue Woo, gardener, knitter, and defender of the helpless against the moronic and the malevolent.
Then there's Pursey Tutweiler, a relatively new blog-friend whose observations continually delight me.
And let's not forget Lola Heatherton, that toast of the entertainment circuit. If she's out of rehab, I'd love to know what she read while she was in it. I enjoyed the Big Book, m'self.
Finally, because you can't have too many opinions from real and worthy Texans, let's tap Liquid Daddy.
On to you, Dears.
For example, I'm currently reading Nabakov's Lolita, because the book I want to read after that is Reading Lolita in Tehran, a book that my spouse greatly admires. It seemed empty-headed of me read it without taking on Nabakov first, even though the subject matter was bound to be somewhat yucky for me. (Actually, and perhaps perversely, I am enjoying it.)
In any case, on to the task laid out for me by Jood. With the exception of the last, these are books and writers that I remain in perpetual awe of:
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I must also mention briefly Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs, The Liars' Club by Mary Karr, and Quick Fire and Slow Fire by Irene McKinney.
Now, on to the tagging part, passing the same task on to five people.
I must start with Karen Zipdrive, my original blogger pal, freelance writer, and magazine editor, and, most importantly, friend of many years. She's mighty bright and funny. I'd love to know what reads have fed her.
On to Sue Woo, gardener, knitter, and defender of the helpless against the moronic and the malevolent.
Then there's Pursey Tutweiler, a relatively new blog-friend whose observations continually delight me.
And let's not forget Lola Heatherton, that toast of the entertainment circuit. If she's out of rehab, I'd love to know what she read while she was in it. I enjoyed the Big Book, m'self.
Finally, because you can't have too many opinions from real and worthy Texans, let's tap Liquid Daddy.
On to you, Dears.
Monday, June 04, 2007
McCain Offers Romney Game Show in Exchange for Nomination
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"He'd be perfect," McCain said of Romney. "That hair! It's smack between between Vitalis and Brylcream. The daytime audience would go nuts."
Romney pointed out that hair was a key issue in the political world as well. "I never pay anything less than $600 for a cut," he declared as Republicans roared their approval. "You think that the Leader of the Free World gets cheap haircuts?"
McCain, in an attempt to remind voters of his war heroism, said that he still found the best cuts at the PX. "I get a shave while I'm there, too. They're great at working around my special needs."
McCain's shaving routine has become somewhat problematical since he decided to lodge President Bush's testicles in his cheeks. They give him the look vaguely reminiscent of a major league player and a boost of testosterone from Bush's personal pharmaceutical stash. "I don't test positive, but I feel positive," he told an aide.
McCain declined to say which game franchise would best suit Romney, though he did say that Romney's wife, Ann, was attractive enough to turn letters.
Cheney Offers Self as Male Role Model for Grandson
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"Not only can I teach little Samuel about the male arts; I can also give him the perspective of privilege," Cheney told a family friend. "I want to be the one to tell him, 'You can do anything you want, because you're rich! The rules don't apply to you!'"
Cheney has seized little Samuel from daughter Mary and partner Heather Poe because he is "the son I never had. Besides, Mary's got a desk at AOL, and Heather is busy with her career as a former park ranger. They don't have time for Sam. He's mine, mine, mine."
Claiming the imperial rights similar to those he has exercised in the Executive Branch, Cheney will have himself declared Imperial Executive Parent, with all rights implied therein.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Bright Lights in Dusky Times
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My job and my colleagues--Here we all are, in a bootleg version of a photo taken to promote our upcoming open house. These women are amazing--smart, compassionate, and very funny. I am grateful for them daily. (Click picture for bigger!)
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Check out this short piece on the young Leadbelly trying a gun on for size, from the point of view of the gun:
colt protection special
his daddy brings him to me
fresh and fifteen, a boy beggin'
to know me like a virgin
wind risin' to fuck a hurricane.
while his fist cloaks me
with the hush of broken youth,
i singe my bullet-toothed birth-
right into his fingertips. he hefts
my black powdered blue steel
mass, aims high to heaven,
wonders how easy it is to slip
into god's dirty clothes.
Writing like that makes me grateful for language, and Jess nails his ideas again and again. The most consistent, excellent book of poems I've read in years.