TakeYourMedicine

Declaring that he hadn't had a decent interview in years, Dick Cheney interviewed himself today.

"As I have revealed in the last couple of weeks, I'm anything I want to be, with full privileges, of course. Now it's time to take a hands-on approach to the media."

Cheney held an interview with himself in a room he commandeered in the White House Press Center. "The great thing about joining the White House Press Corps is my First Amendment right not to reveal my sources," he said. "That just about wraps things up."

Cheney the older was interviewed by Cheney the younger. "It's nice to see my hair again," he said. "Really takes me back to when I was just a young guy knocking up Lynne to get out of the draft."

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has left 10 Downing Street and settled at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm.

Blair's move immediately caused controversy among some of the other dogs, since Daisy Hill specializes in Pomeranians, not poodles.

"He used his connections to get into Daisy Hill," sniffed Poomba, a white Pom who was taking the grievance public. "Snoopy got him in, and it's been years since Daisy Hill bred beagles. I absolutely hate that celebrity shit."

Nevertheless, Blair ignored the flap and pronounced himself satisfied with his new surroundings. "Here, I'm just another lapdog. There's really nothing wrong with that."

Vice President Dick Cheney unveiled a governmental organization chart today to illustrate his contention that the Vice President's office's lack of relation to the Executive Branch. This lack of connection, Cheney continued, would exempt his office from the requirements for protecting classified information which is otherwise part of the accountability of the Executive Branch in its relation to the other branches of government.

Perhaps the Dickster is paving the way for a Scooter pardon. Perhaps by cutting himself loose from the Executive Branch he hopes to make himself difficult to find, if ever the impeachment wagon rolls into his neighborhood. Perhaps his heart medications are playing with his head, having found no heart in the man to medicate.

As always, the Vice President continues to entertain, if not our fancy, our incredulity.

I don't know what all the fuss is about. There are Republican emails in cyberspace, and what's more spacious than a black hole?

You America haters are so obvious. Didn't you ever hear of our right to privacy? Our unelected leaders, like Karl Rove, are entitled to no less privacy than Paris Hilton has when she wants to make pee pee.

I think all those irresponsible bloggers who keep whining about accountability in government ought to get a life. Hello, it's the government, for pete's sake. It's supposed to be dysfunctional! That's why God made corporations! Duh!

So the Republicans are just doing their part: trying to make sure we recognize the evil nature of government by keeping it evil so that we will be more enamored of private enterprise than ever. Maybe Halliburton can end up running our country, instead of just Iraq. That citizenship junk is too complicated for me.

In the meantime, don't come Paul Revere-ing to me about how the people who work in government are supposed to be practicing active transparancy and accountability. They need to have their dirty little secrets like the rest of us. After all, the activities of this administration strongly resemble making number two. You don't want to witness that, do you?

Now shut up and change the channel. I hear ABC has some terrorist news on.

Let's get scared! It's the new titillation.

In a move sure to inspire millions of AAs all over the globe, George W. Bush sipped beer(s) during the G8 confab.

"Jesus said I could," said the President. "He's grateful to me for leverating Iraq and making its people free. Even if I fall off the wagon, all I have to do is tell him I'm sorry, and it's okay. I get to. Those are the rules."

Claiming a tummy ache, Bush skipped several afternoon meetings before returning for an evening cocktail party, where he attempted once again to give a massage to Angela Merkel.

"She wants it. I know she does, "he said.

Drawn together by their questionable legal doings and strange gun histories, record producer Phil Spector and US Vice President Dick Cheney have gotten together to brainstorm on defense strategies.

Cheney was drawn to Spector out of sympathy for Spector's legal woes when he read about their common interest in mixing guns with friendships. Spector has pulled guns on John Lennon and Leonard Cohen, among others, before going on trial for the shooting death of actress Lana Clarkson, while Cheney finally loosened his inhibitions in order to shoot longtime friend Harry Whittington in the face on a hunting expedition. In a private conversation leaked to this blog, Cheney admitted that it was only a matter of time before he, too, would find himself in the courtroom, though probably not for firearms-related offenses.

Cheney was supportive of Spector, but critical of his two courtroom looks: the elaborately coifed 'fro that Spector wore to his preliminary hearing (above), and that of the lesbian real estate agent that he has featured during his trial.

"Let's face it--the homophobia that our administration has cultivated to distract the American people from our corruption and our bungling isn't going to help you in the jury room," Cheney told Spector. "Timing is everything, and you ain't got it."

Cheney then offered his own look, that of a blatantly boring but privileged felon to whom the law does not apply, for the duration of Spector's trial. He also tried on Spector's look as a dodge, should Patrick Fitzgerald decide that he had convicted the wrong man for the Valerie Plame affair.

"It's good to get together," Spector said after their meeting. "I believe that I bring needed diversity to the Bush administration."

Cheney, for his part, appreciates Spector's creation of the classic 'wall of sound.'"We had it installed at the White House at the beginning of our administration. I don't know what we'd do without it."

George W. Bush won a victory of sorts today when the Senate's attempt at a no-confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was blocked by Republicans and the nauseatingly overpious Joe Lieberman, who, nonetheless said that Gonzales should 'look into his soul.'

President Bush said, however, that he had already looked into Gonzales's soul. "I done that right after I looked into Putin's soul. I like Gonzales's soul. It doesn't have anything that mine doesn't have, so I know it's okay. He's just doin' what I want him to do. That's his job.

"This process has been drug out a long time," Bush added. "It's political."

After scuffling briefly as to who would lead, President George Bush relaxed in the arms of Vladimir Putin and allowed himself to be waltzed around the Grand Ballroom at the G8 Summit Tea Dance.

"I thought that President Bush would prevail, but clearly, Putin's public remarks about him have put him at a disadvantage," commented an aide. "Given the tension between them, I was hoping that they would begin with an old fashioned wah-wah-tusi, but the orchestra played only waltzes, leading to the question of who would lead."

The slower dance gave the two a greater chance for intimacy, however. By the tune's end, they were said to be gazing deep into each other's souls.

Former Price is Right host Bob Barker threw his hat into the race for the Republican presidential nomination today.

"Since no candidate has scored a clear connection with Republican voters, I am declaring my intention to run for the presidency," Barker declared.

"He certainly is an old, very white man," mused one bystander in the crowd gathered outside Barker's campaign headquarters. "He has more name recognition than Fred Thompson, and he's shown consistency of sorts. He's been showing up to do those game shows for over 30 years."

Barker announced that he was a born-again Christian and a family values candidate, a statement that drew sharp criticism from rival Mike Huckabee. "This is the first we've ever heard about Barker's religious views. And what about that sexual harassment deal a few years back?"

When asked about Huckabee's charges, Barker had two responses. "That whole thing was before I asked Jesus to come into my life as a personal savior. Anyway, who's heard of Mike Huckabee outside Arkansas?"

Regular viewers of the Price is Right said they would welcome a Barker candidacy. "He gives you stuff if you just know the price of things," one said. "The other candidates don't even know how much a quart of milk costs. And they certainly don't give you stuff."

Barker stated that, unlike Rudy Giulani, he would be present for the Iowa caucuses. "We've had many, many contestants from Iowa on the Price Is Right," he said, "and they've done very well. Now it will be their turn to give something back."

Convicts Scooter Libby and Paris Hilton have agreed to be cellmates in the Popemobile, in what corrections officials call "a bold new experiment" in incarceration.

"We have long talked about transparency and accountability. We believe that the use of the Popemobile will bring about both," said Warden Gregor Gotja in an exclusive interview.

Officials wanted to experiment with the Popemobile on what are two relatively minor cases in anticipation of its use with such "bigger fish" as Vice President Dick Cheney and political advisor Karl Rove.

The U.S. Department of Justice purchased the Popemobile when Pope Benedict XVI decided to upgrade the pontiff's transportation. Attorney General Alfonso Gonzales used it for his personal transport until critics of the administration called the practice to the public's attention. Gonzales claimed that he was only "quality control testing" the vehicle as a possible means of presenting the President to large crowds.

"He wants to bless crowds as the personal representative of both God and America on earth, and we thought this might be an acceptable venue. However, given the overcrowding in our nation's correctional facilities, we've decided to go in another direction."

Ms Hilton was lukewarm when asked about sharing the Popemobile with Libby. "I'm used to my own room."

Correctional officials indicated that cohabitation with Libby was part of the heiress's punishment.

Big opportunity!

Photo-ops with President Bush used to cost big Republican donors $25,000.

Now, for the bargain basement price of $5,000, you can have your picture taken with ol' Ostrich Balls himself.

Apparently the value of being seen with Dubya is in decline.

None of the Republican hopefuls seem to have heard of the man, either.

Tsk.

I was pleased to be tagged by Diva Jood, whose writing I admire a great deal, regarding three books I love. One of the benefits of working in a library is the flow of information regarding books that others have read and loved. I have a very long list of to-reads, and I never know which of them I will take on next.

For example, I'm currently reading Nabakov's Lolita, because the book I want to read after that is Reading Lolita in Tehran, a book that my spouse greatly admires. It seemed empty-headed of me read it without taking on Nabakov first, even though the subject matter was bound to be somewhat yucky for me. (Actually, and perhaps perversely, I am enjoying it.)

In any case, on to the task laid out for me by Jood. With the exception of the last, these are books and writers that I remain in perpetual awe of:

I usually rave about Zadie Smith first, when asked about writers and books I admire. Her first novel, White Teeth, surpassed in delight and skill what any first novel ought to be able to accomplish. Funny, bright, delightfully labyrinthian and astonishingly well constructed, she lays out three families and their interactions with each other. It's just too much fun. While we're at it, On Beauty was a finalist for the Booker Prize last year, and as prizes go, I'll take its short list over the Pulitzer and the National Book Award in our country any old time.

I may have already raved about Jennifer Egan, another young whippersnapper whose writing blows me away. I am thinking of her amazing Look at Me, a novel about a model whose face is destroyed in a traffic accident. She sails through the world of NYC fashion and modeling, and takes us home to the protagonist's Midwestern city. If everyone is to look at everyone, nobody is actually seeing very much. God, she's good.

This one's a children's book. I read it yesterday while I was cataloging it, and I howled with delight. If you know any little girl who is about to share the stage with a new baby, I recommend this as a gift for her. The big sister instructs the baby on how to be itself, while noting what a drag it is to be a baby as opposed to the better lot of the older sister, who has pals, autonomy, and keen things to do, as to baby who pees, poops, and is entirely dependent on his parents. Really fun.

I must also mention briefly Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs, The Liars' Club by Mary Karr, and Quick Fire and Slow Fire by Irene McKinney.

Now, on to the tagging part, passing the same task on to five people.

I must start with Karen Zipdrive, my original blogger pal, freelance writer, and magazine editor, and, most importantly, friend of many years. She's mighty bright and funny. I'd love to know what reads have fed her.

On to Sue Woo, gardener, knitter, and defender of the helpless against the moronic and the malevolent.

Then there's Pursey Tutweiler, a relatively new blog-friend whose observations continually delight me.

And let's not forget Lola Heatherton, that toast of the entertainment circuit. If she's out of rehab, I'd love to know what she read while she was in it. I enjoyed the Big Book, m'self.

Finally, because you can't have too many opinions from real and worthy Texans, let's tap Liquid Daddy.

On to you, Dears.

Republican John McCain offered rival Mitt Romney the starring role in a game show during a recent debate, if he would fold his campaign and go away.

"He'd be perfect," McCain said of Romney. "That hair! It's smack between between Vitalis and Brylcream. The daytime audience would go nuts."

Romney pointed out that hair was a key issue in the political world as well. "I never pay anything less than $600 for a cut," he declared as Republicans roared their approval. "You think that the Leader of the Free World gets cheap haircuts?"

McCain, in an attempt to remind voters of his war heroism, said that he still found the best cuts at the PX. "I get a shave while I'm there, too. They're great at working around my special needs."

McCain's shaving routine has become somewhat problematical since he decided to lodge President Bush's testicles in his cheeks. They give him the look vaguely reminiscent of a major league player and a boost of testosterone from Bush's personal pharmaceutical stash. "I don't test positive, but I feel positive," he told an aide.

McCain declined to say which game franchise would best suit Romney, though he did say that Romney's wife, Ann, was attractive enough to turn letters.

In an answer to evangelical critics who believe that the birth of Mary Cheney's son is a "tragedy," Vice President Dick Cheney noted that the word for tragedy in Norwegian is the same as the word for pot pie in Sanskrit, and offered himself as the definitive male role model in the tiny lad's future. He vowed to begin with posture and carriage instruction, as well as to introduce him at an early age to the pleasures of the wholesale slaughter of drugged and penned animals on private estates.

"Not only can I teach little Samuel about the male arts; I can also give him the perspective of privilege," Cheney told a family friend. "I want to be the one to tell him, 'You can do anything you want, because you're rich! The rules don't apply to you!'"

Cheney has seized little Samuel from daughter Mary and partner Heather Poe because he is "the son I never had. Besides, Mary's got a desk at AOL, and Heather is busy with her career as a former park ranger. They don't have time for Sam. He's mine, mine, mine."

Claiming the imperial rights similar to those he has exercised in the Executive Branch, Cheney will have himself declared Imperial Executive Parent, with all rights implied therein.

Having relieved my crabby self of peeves a couple of days ago, I now turn to that first requirement of spiritual wealth, gratitude. Remember the wonderful title of Arundati Roy's book, The God of Small Things? I find myself deeply appreciative of the following:

My job and my colleagues--Here we all are, in a bootleg version of a photo taken to promote our upcoming open house. These women are amazing--smart, compassionate, and very funny. I am grateful for them daily. (Click picture for bigger!)


Ruth Bader Ginsberg's recent dissents from the bench--Ginsberg has dissented from the bench twice in the last five weeks to take the majority to task, first for upholding the ban on partial birth abortion (their term, not mine), and most recently in the case of Ledbetter v Good Year Tire for flagrant sexual discimination in pay inequity. Dubya has certainly gotten the yes-men he sought in his two additions to the court, and it's hideous to note how long we will be stuck with them --and important to work very hard to get a Democrat who has the best chance to beat a Republican to reverse this hideous trend. In the meantime I am grateful to Ginsberg for speaking in such a public venue. It isn't often done.

Diane Rehm, for being Diane Rehm--This lady is simply a miracle--a combination of hard-won dignity and class. Last year I listened to her book, Finding My Voice on CD. I've always admired the way she handles her interviews on her NPR show. I have noticed a so-called increased "balance" in her guests; in these Repugnican times I am sure that she and her staff have been under the gun. However, she remains as focused and firm as ever as she manages the bullshit coming from Bush Administration mouthpieces. She's so amazing, and here I salute her: Diane Rehm, always a lady, but never a chump.

Leadbelly, a brilliant book of poems by Tyehimba Jess-- I discovered Jess's book too late for my National Poetry Month celebration, but it's one of the finest books of poems I've ever read. It's an evocative work on the life of bluesman Huddie Ledbetter (two Ledbetters in one post, I see), and his sheer mastery of language and insight into Ledbetter's life, and by extension, the lives of many black artists taken under white wings, is simply amazing. I checked it out from our library, then wanted to share it with everyone I know... only I couldn't bear to check it back in till I had a copy of my own. I treated myself to Jess's book and a new CD of Leadbelly's songs. I do highly recommend such an action to anyone who loves the blues. Jess is one of our finest young poets, and I find myself reading his work again and again.

Check out this short piece on the young Leadbelly trying a gun on for size, from the point of view of the gun:

colt protection special

his daddy brings him to me
fresh and fifteen, a boy beggin'
to know me like a virgin
wind risin' to fuck a hurricane.

while his fist cloaks me
with the hush of broken youth,
i singe my bullet-toothed birth-
right into his fingertips. he hefts
my black powdered blue steel
mass, aims high to heaven,
wonders how easy it is to slip
into god's dirty clothes.

Writing like that makes me grateful for language, and Jess nails his ideas again and again. The most consistent, excellent book of poems I've read in years.