Friday, March 30, 2012


It'll Be in His Hands

I don’t know why anyone would hesitate to predict the snarly outcome of the current court hearing on health care reform. It’s been pre-judged, don’t you know.

The Roberts Court. Indeed.

You can already hear old Kennedy stuttering his concern about the purchase mandate. Scalia trivializes and brainwashes the issue with his chatty little broccoli metaphor. Look for that to be endlessly repeated as a slight to Michele come this fall.

The Koch Brothers and their ilky ilk have the tea party patsies so wound up that Republican presidential candidates can foist our health care system on local churches, community groups, and –did I mention?—churches.

Vote for Obama, and he wants you to buy health insurance. Vote for Santorum and he will make sure that you are enrolled in a Rick-approved church, which will not only provide your health care costs through bake sales and private solicitations of rich congregants, but save your soul as well, a move which will lead to your moral and physical reform of whatever nasty habits you’ve had, and provide a natural reduction in health care costs. Trickle down, you could say.

If I were the Treasurer for a church, I would wonder what the hell was going on. But mention of the church just seems to generate good vibes that further cohere the tight and wild right wing.

Rick Santorum wants to show you how he’ll cut costs. (Ron Paul favors this, too): community groups and churches will help you when you are hit with catastrophic illness or injury. The church comes up as a source for health care. Every congregation is full of Candy Stripers! And Pink Ladies, too!

Tea partiers generally don’t have to worry about health coverage. They are blind to the privilege they enjoy. They are easy for their puppet-masters to keep whipped up. After all, talk to one of these folks for a while and you’ll learn that their investments have taken a bath in recent years, and so tractable are they that they don’t even know whom to blame. In the meantime, attempt to tell them a painful tale from the New Hard Times and expect only self-righteous shrieking, talking points courtesy of Roger and Rush.

Hmmm. Are those nuns or nurses? Medics or missionaries?

Rick wants to offer you the blessed path to salvation, through which all your medical needs will either be tended, neglected, or negated. As Michele Bachmann says, inspirationally, Roll the Dice! when it comes to health insurance. (I never know what a sporting woman she was until this latest).

Can we do it in a hip night club or cable show? Tune in to Cardiac Craps! The Post-Obama Reality Show! Four uninsured families dealing with a life-threatening illnesses compete for comprehensive coverage by bungee-jump over pits of slime, wearing humiliating outfits while singing "At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump," and vying for the Personality Points in the Trust Fall Tournament, while voting one another out at the end.

Okay, not so great. But you will go to heaven when you die, and if that's sooner, where's the harm? If not in this life, the next! That's the good news!

So die already.

The Lord is near!

Thursday, March 01, 2012


Dogs Against Romney Suggest Pet Alternative

A spokesdog for the Super-Pack Dogs Against Romney (We ride inside!) has suggested an alternative pet for the Republican.

"We realized that Mr. Romney probably hadn't had any formative pet care experiences when he put his dog on the roof of his car for a 12-hour drive to Canada.

"Had he begun with smaller pets, he might have avoided the Seamus debacle," explained Herbie, a golden retriever who reviews talking points for the Vermont branch of the organization.

The group recommends the rat as the best alternative pet for him. "They don't get lonely when you decide to leave them alone when you're on a family vacation or an extended campaign. Since they reproduce quickly, they have one another for company. In fact, they have a wonderful work ethic and are happy to take care of your kitchen for you."

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