Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Meditation at Ten Below

As I read Dave Barry's 2009 wrap-up today, (which turned hiking the Appalachian Trail into a pornographic activity), I found myself wondering, Does Yo-Yo Ma chase pussy when he's on the Silk Road?

A non-sequitur, I know, but let me explain how I got there. Tiger Woods' promiscuity should be no great revelation. I read long ago that he'd bonded with several NBA superstars, who'd mentored him in his meteoric rise to dominate the world of golf.

Basketball players, as Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlin told us long ago, used their accountants more for totaling up their conquests than for handling their finances.Their adoption of the Tiger-cub could only lead to an ethos of over-consumption of ladies and luxury boats.

So all we've really learned is that yet another sport ranks high on Tiger's lists of wanna-dos, and that he seems to have been given the physical requirements for performance in its games.

So fine, I thought... focusing on one sport can certainly lead to a desire to play another, as we saw when Michael Jordan had took a lackluster stab at baseball. Motor intelligence is motor intelligence.

But then I found myself pondering the alpha male aspect of the whole thing, which brings in Yo-Yo, also a veteran of road tours, some of them silk. Tiger's own Vietnamese heritage has always offered a sort of inscrutable vibe when it comes to hucksters tying their quests for excellence to his own. I suddenly found myself wondering whether Yo-Yo's drive to become the premier cellist of his time is accompanied by, well, other drives. Inscrutability be damned; these guys who are always on the road have their groupies, whether they are top athletes or over-the-top agronomists. Power and performance are sexy. Even Henry Kissinger scored in his heyday, though it disgusted me to think of it then as it does now.

Then I wonder if sex drive and celebrity endorsements are linked. I'm sure that I've seen Yo-Yo sporting an obscenely expensive watch on some magazine's back cover or another. Does he pitch for any other teams? If his wife loses it and pops him one, will a raft of raunchettes arise with detailed descriptions of his private parts?

Would anybody care? I ask myself if I would, and I can't answer. Of course, Yo-Yo's always been about the music. I only know that he is married by having Googled him at some point. He certainly doesn't present himself as husband and father of the year.

I find myself concluding that I don't care, quite. It's just this, Yo-Yo: don't tell me, or anybody else, a goddam thing. And for God's sake, stay away from sexting and texting.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


Papal Bowling on the Rise, Trend Experts Say

A successful 'strike' by a woman in a red dress at St. Peter's Basilica has trend spotters talking about the rise of papal bowling in the past year and a half.

The sport, launched last year, may prove to the a blessing for the world's ailing economy, experts say.

"I can see a whole new line of athletic gear," confided a nun who asked not to be identified. "Gloves, shoes, shirts--they're all going to be on the cutting edge to accommodate this nuance of the game. I can only hope that we'll be as fortunate as Billabong and Quiksilver."

The Pope, who recovered his balance after being temporary unbalanced by an unbalanced worshiper, cautioned his congregants to be "vigilant" in his Christmas homily.

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