TakeYourMedicine

In an answer to evangelical critics who believe that the birth of Mary Cheney's son is a "tragedy," Vice President Dick Cheney noted that the word for tragedy in Norwegian is the same as the word for pot pie in Sanskrit, and offered himself as the definitive male role model in the tiny lad's future. He vowed to begin with posture and carriage instruction, as well as to introduce him at an early age to the pleasures of the wholesale slaughter of drugged and penned animals on private estates.

"Not only can I teach little Samuel about the male arts; I can also give him the perspective of privilege," Cheney told a family friend. "I want to be the one to tell him, 'You can do anything you want, because you're rich! The rules don't apply to you!'"

Cheney has seized little Samuel from daughter Mary and partner Heather Poe because he is "the son I never had. Besides, Mary's got a desk at AOL, and Heather is busy with her career as a former park ranger. They don't have time for Sam. He's mine, mine, mine."

Claiming the imperial rights similar to those he has exercised in the Executive Branch, Cheney will have himself declared Imperial Executive Parent, with all rights implied therein.