TakeYourMedicine

It's official: Jerry Falwell was full of shit.

In a report leaked by the coroner's office in Lynchburg, Virginia, the cause of death was "an obstruction in the bowel" that had spread throughout the gay-hating evangelist's body. "He was literally full of it," explained an employee who had to don several high-tech masks to endure the fumes generated by Falwell's autopsy.

"I can see why he was so down on the environment," declared the employee, who asked not to be named for this article. "He was a walking Superfund site." Falwell had called the current concerns about global warming a "Satan's latest distraction" from the more crucial issues of abortion rights and gay marriage.

"If the guy had been able to take a decent shit, who know what ideas he might have had."