Monday, November 24, 2008


Congratulations and Condolences

With the global economy down the toilet and every tenth person on the verge of unemployment, it's time that we bowed our heads this week and focused on what's really important.

If you think I'm about to drone on about the joys of home and family, forget it. We're talking about People Magazine's annual Sexiest Man Alive "award."

I'm relieved that Barack didn't make the list.

It's always a time of joy, sorrow, and probably embarrassment: joy for the most avid fans of this year's Sexiest, sorrow for fans of previous years' Sexiest, embarrassment (I hope) for the brighter men accorded this dubious distinction. And condolences are in order, no doubt. Is last year's Sexiest no longer alive, or no longer Sexiest?

What happened? An unfortunate meal of blowfish in a Japanese bistro? The wrong
haircut or film role? There are so many ways to be dead, both to sex appeal and to life itself.

The two sort of merge when it comes to Hollywood and People Magazine, so you may want to send condolences to the families of Matt, Brad, George, and all the other
no-longer-sexiest-men-no-longer-alive. It must be devastating, and I am sorry for your losses.

I guess the consolation prize is not some helpful tome like The Consolation of Philosophy by that top People columnist Boetheus, but being listed among the 129 other hot guys, the better for teeny-boppers to squeal over. There's always the hope that you may once again rise in the rankings (I think that Boethius covered that) as Brad Pitt did. If not, the Wheel of Fortune (the one before Pat Sajak) will serve as a permanent reminder that what is constant is change.

Tut-tut and pity. I must go to my closet and don black for the unsexiest dead men.

It's the least I can do.
.. and wait for the Dubious Achievement Awards from Esquire Magazine. They ought to be something, with all the Sarah Palin we survived.

In the meantime Palin's probably up in Juneau, or getting her per diem in Wasilla, fuming that there's no Sexiest Woman Alive award for her.

Maybe there'll be one by 2012.

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