Monday, March 24, 2008


Prepare To Shop!

I know it's early, but May will be here before you know it, and I don't want you to be blindsided. It isn't often that our government asks for us to make sacrifices, and since our nation's destiny has been placed in our hands, we must answer the call of duty. Be prepared! What will you spend your $300 [or $600, should you be happily and traditionally married] on in order to save the economy?

Don't just sit on your unpatriotic ass and give me some lame response about paying down your Visa card or buying groceries and gas. Your country needs you. Our very way of life depends on your giving the economy a little goose.

I did write to President Bush, thanking him for his confidence in me personally, and suggesting that, rather than sending us a no-strings-attached check that he instead enclose gift certificates to Sky Mall, or Halliburton, or any other Republican subsidiary that would make the greatest impact in the shortest time. I haven't heard back from him, so I've been digging around and doing some research on my own. If the president is as busy as John McCain thinks he is, I may just have to go it alone. I have found some entirely worthy products that should enhance my quality of life while titillating the GNP. It's crucial that we pull together in our primary, shared American identity: that of the consumer.

How about a guillotine cigar cutter? Nothing says class like the rolling together of two of our sacred traditions: smoking and capital punishment. I know that we've had our problems with the French since we invaded Iraq, but now with Sarkozy and his supermodel, we can count on a thaw and return to the warm rapport we have otherwise enjoyed. Perhaps the state of Texas will adopt this technology for any upcoming executions. You can buy this beauty for a mere $99.95!

Along with the dominant American values cited above, we do enjoy pressing the latest technologies into the service of our primary relationships. If you've opted for the cigar cutter, you still have money to burn. Consider this Cat Genie, a litter box that looks so much like a toilet that you may find yourself using it yourself during the droughts that are sure to accompany an escalation of global warming. Just push old Max aside and let 'er rip.

Even with these treasures in hand you'll still have the funds to add to the ambiance of your home, so Fiat Lux, already! Let there be light! This stunning fixture will bathe your life in a glow that says Home Sweet Home to all who enter. Read your favorite Harlequin beneath it or simply sit before the fire and stroke it. It takes the remainder of your God- and government-given funds, but clearly, it will give you more than it will ever take away.

Different strokes for different folks, I always say, and if any of the above treasures do not meet your exacting requirements, may I offer you the Pharaoh clock? Should you have decorated your living room in blues and golds without having found the time piece of your dreams, look no further. This gem would have been at home in any of Saddam's palaces, and it will tell guests that nothing but the best will do for you. Consider it an expenditure of your oil dividends. You do have oil dividends, don't you? Of course you do!
If you're the sort of person who cares less about home d├ęcor and --inspired by our current Secretary of State-- more about making a personal statement with footwear, consider the Gravity Defyer shoe.

It contains a mechanism that gives you the feeling of jumping like a kangaroo (or some say they feel as if they are flying) with each step. If you don't have the balls to appear with a tall, beautiful woman as Dennis Kucinich does, you'll appear two inches taller, too! Only $129-220!

Another great way to stimulate the economy is to avail yourself of one of many technologies in a true growth industry--get yourself a bigger dick. Creams, pumps, herbal supplements: you've never had so many options. Bundle it with the kangaroo shoes and watch your prospects soar.

Along the above mentioned lines, nothing goes with a bigger hoo-haw than associated fire power. Should you be a happy couple with more to
spend, how about an assault rifle? If the Democrats have their way and put someone in the White House who doesn't buy the current occupant's We're Fighting Them Over There So We Don't Have To Fight Them Over Here rationale, you're going to have to pack some serious bang-bang. This fine manifestation of Personal Power runs more than an individual's Economic Incentive, perhaps the administration's way of encouraging us to ever greater family values and commitment-making. But you'll know that you're safe at home (or at work, or at McDonald's, or the post office, or wherever you pack it) with this beauty in your arms.

Last but by no means least, consider a purchase of Bear Stearns stock. If it's good enough for Morgan-Chase, it's good enough for you. And it's already rebounded from $2 to $10 a share. Now is the time. Band together with close personal friends --your book group, say, or your bowling team, and initiate a hostile takeover at bargain basement prices.

And may God Bless America!

What a brilliant post!

I have to chuckle/grumble at America's enormous trade imbalance with China, not to mention Bush borrowing trillions from them to finance his war in Iraq.
How many millions of Americans will receive their piddling little checks, only to race to Walmart to buy carts full of even more Chinese imports?

Not me.
I don't shop at Walmart, for one.
And for two, I have no plans to stimulate the economy to make Bush look even slightly competent.
I think the only real choice for my red-blooded American rebate check is to buy a giant bag o' really good weed.
American-grown weed, I assume.
I rarely ask about provenance, but I assume I'll be told if it comes from a foreign purveyor.
That is, *if* I were a consumer.
I don't know about that gill-o-teen thang, but if they prove that the lethel needle is unsafe, we may have to go back to rope.
Spoken like a real Texan, JCCH!
Hey Lulu Maude,
So nice to hear from you. I've fallen off the blogger wagon and can't seem to get back on right now, but I always enjoy what you write - you tickle every funny bone I've got! So sad that you actually came through Santa Cruz and I missed getting to meet you. Don't let that happen again, eh??

As for spending my big bonanza, I'm thinking of passing that money right along to support something that the Bush administration would hate, such as Amnesty International or the ACLU, Move On, or some other great organization that will have a bigger voice than mine in trying to get us all back on track. I'm a realist, however, and maybe I should just invest in a bomb shelter like we used to do in the 50's. (I'm joking of course) but the feeling is that if we survive until the next president we'll all be lucky, at the rate this bozo is going!
Take good care,
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