Friday, March 21, 2008


Hands Across the Aisle: Helping the GOP with its 'Brand'

There's an identity crisis among Republicans, I'm told, and the target of blame for it is President Bush himself.

"It's no mystery," said Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.). "You have a very unhappy electorate, which is no surprise, with oil at $108 a barrel, stocks down a few thousand points, a war in Iraq with no end in sight and a president who is still very, very unpopular. He's just killed the Republican brand."

This scapegoating is somewhat unfair, I think, since members of his party and not a few folks across the aisle have readily tagged after him as he blazed a Path of Mass Destruction for our country to follow.

Nevertheless, a Republican congressman recently lamented that the Republican "brand" had been sullied by the Oilman-in-Chief, and it was going to be derned difficult for party candidates to win elections for quite some time.

I must admit I felt a pang of pity for the Grand Old Party. After all, my Republican roots run deep. Both my parents were Republicans. My high school sweetheart and I were Teen Age Republicans, at least till we were asked to leave a meeting when we wouldn't stop badgering Pat Hitt (eventually Undersecretary of Health, Education, and Welfare in the Nixon Administration and at the time a state party mucky-muck) about her statement that one should vote for the party rather than for the candidate, since the party would straighten [him] out if he was a dork.

I have always been grateful to the party for asking me to leave. Like the extremely compliant child that I was, I never came back.

That is, not until now, when I offer the GOP several "branding" suggestions ("branding" is the current in-process for organizations).

Let's start with this guy. Dubya may have messed up the brand, but Cheney has been so out of
view lately that it might just be time to bring him back. With his impending retirement, he might enjoy stepping out of his suits and into something more with it. It's important to be unapologetic, even proud. Even with the basis for the invasion of Iraq having been utterly debunked, Dick continues to make his connection between Saddam and Al Qaeda, showing that he still places great faith in his "Go fuck yourself" approach to staying on message. Say it loud! I'm corrupt, and I'm proud!

Republicanism also appeals to the little guy who aspires to be a bigger guy, and it is to this demographic that I offer the Fat Cat on a Bed of Roses brand. Yes, petty tyrant in the workplace, this could be you, but only if you vote for our anti-regulatory representatives, the very brand-holders who stand between you and utter failure in the capital venture of your choice. You are only as big as your dreams, this brand suggests. Vote us in and fill your bathtub with the petals of the Fragrant Cloud.

This one meets the needs of the evangelical base. Focused on the healing
power of Jesus, candidates can wrap their various boo-boos (including self-inflicted gashes and gaffes) while on the campaign trail. Surely anyone who uses these bright bandages, which represent the physical means of mending the spiritual malaise of our times is likely to generate trust in the electorate. However, you may not wrap them around your genitals, should you find yourself Off the Path. They simply won't stick.

I love the Jesus bandages, how perfect...too funny..Now about davis- he does not think that he might also be a LITTLE responsible for the Downfall of the Repukes ????well well...( the amount of DENILE...he sounds like a Perfect Repug...)

sigh...I can not wait until this is ALLLLLL over....I hope that November....soooooon
I gave my hypochondriac big sister those Jesus bandaids for Christmas.
Everyone else was very jealous.
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