Thursday, November 08, 2007


Giuliani Risks (and Triggers) Gag Reflex, Gathers Momentum

With Pat Robertson's endorsement in the bag, Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani pressed on with his campaign in search of additional support by attempting to wrap his notably big mouth around a record number of drinking straws.

"I'm not sure whose support this will land, but it's worth a try," said Giuliani. "Is there a Guinness segment? I think I can claim the NASCAR guys, but what makes a winner is finding other kinds of victories that white guys pursue. Given my shaky relationship with the Almighty, I have to hustle as many constituencies as I can."

Although Austrian Marco Hort took 259 drinking straws, Giuliani called for a return to American greatness by pushing for 265. He wasn't successful, stopping short of choking on 223, but said that it was the effort that was a harbinger of American dominance to come.

"When I am elected president the world will see us as winners on every front: in war, in penis and fingernail length, in the number of minutes sitting with pokers up our asses, the most consecutive skateboard frontside ollies... America will dominate in every possible category."

Not everyone was impressed with Giuliani's latest feat. "He looks like a fuckin' star mole," sniffed Nancy Jo Audobonbon. "What's uglier than a star mole, except for maybe a lamprey?"

Giuliani's stunt was criticized by Citizens for Recycling, a group
that calls not only for Americans to recycle, but to avoid careless consumption of items that are obviously unrecyclable.

"Clearly, no one will be able to re-use those straws with Rudy's cooties upon them," said spokeswoman Beryl Boxboard.

Ebay shoppers are not so sure.

"There's real investment potential there," said one savvy bidnessman, hovering near the trash can.

This story is borderline barfy, but of course, the subject matter is way above barfy and into the hurl your guts out category.
I believe I once dated photo #3.
If you have to date anyone, it would be best to date #2. It's a insectivore, and therefore fairly harmless. heehee
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