Saturday, November 24, 2007


Translating Newsweek's Newest Columnist

Now that Karl Rove has landed a column at Newsweek, I can see a role for the translation community. I suppose that the inclusion of Rove as a pundit for the magazine owned by the Washington Post (or is it the other way around?) can be read one of (at least) two ways:

Newsweek is bending over backwards to create a semblance of balance by including him;

Newsweek and the
Post itself are simply part of the American corporate presence that is more interested in bringing in the bucks than telling the truth.

As usual, I digress. We're talking about the need for translation here. I read Karl's first column the other day, and unless I'm mistaken, his points were lost in a lot of language that he didn't really mean, if past practices count for anything. There's work available here for someone who speaks fluent Weasel to help Karl's real points to emerge and see the light of day. For one thing, he sounds so respectable as he tells the as-yet-unselected Republican candidate how to beat Hillary:

Plan now to introduce yourself again right after winning the nomination. Don't assume everyone knows you. Many will still not know what you've done in real life. Create a narrative that explains your life and commitments. Every presidential election is about change and the future, not the past.

His point can best be translated as: Feel free to consult with me for a past-life makeover. I can recast your modest accomplishments into dizzying successes, if you turn me on enough.I can make you pious, macho, and cool. More important than that, ask me how to redefine Hillary for you.I'm sure we can come up with some great stories about the three abortions of mixed-race fetuses she is rumored to have had, and the three more she performed in a grubby little clinic in New Haven.And be sure to purchase Hillary nutcrackers by the gross. They'll go over great with the NASCAR dads.

Say in authentic terms what you believe. The GOP nominee must highlight his core convictions to help people understand who he is and to set up a natural contrast with Clinton, both on style and substance. Don't be afraid to say something controversial. The American people want their president to be authentic.

Although Rove sounds positively presidential here, what he really means is revive that rumor about Hillary being a lesbian. Don't forget that you are violently opposed to gay marriage, and that it will be Hillary's first order of business, aside from installing her lesbian lover into a wing of the White House.

Tackle issues families care about and Republicans too often shy away gay marriage! It's going to be mandated!

Go after people who aren't traditional Republicans. Aggressively campaign for the votes of America's minorities. Go to their communities, listen and learn, demonstrate your engagement and emphasize how your message can provide hope and access to the American Dream for all. Remember that you can usually shut these people up with a decent Blue Light Special at K-Mart or a couple of free happy meals for the kids before you ship Mom and Dad off to Iraq.We need good soldiers, and it'll be your job as Commander in Chief to fire up these folks. We're going to need their bodies and their tax dollars, since the rest of us don't serve and have stopped paying.

Be strong on Iraq. Democrats have bet on failure. That's looking to be an increasingly bad wager, given the remarkable progress seen recently in Iraq. This is bullshit we need to perpetuate. After all, the brain injuries on the vets are only starting to surface. If we can keep them out of the news for another year, we can sap some more recruits into serving.

And don't forget our best holdover slogan: We need to defeat the Iraqis and all their fellow terrorists over there so that we don't have to fight them over here.

...And did I mention gay marriage?

i find all of this completely unbelievable. The biggest of scoundrels given a voice, the invisible man who never had a voice to begin with. Unflipping believable!
Hmm what will Newsweek call Rove's column?
• Revolting Rove
• Embedded Press
As much as I loathe Rove, I think he was masterful at manipulating the media. Between media news blackouts, and the whole idea of embedded press in the war zone. Or how about leaking WMD info the the press, then coming back the next day quoting the very press they had just leaked to, therefore making it believable to the masses, and worked that angle of if anyone questions it, they are unpatriotic. The guy will likely have a special place in hell for his doings, but anyone who could pull off a 2 term Bush presidency, fabricate a war in Iraq, and work those puppet strings for all those years gets some kind of special dishonorable mention, don't ya think?

Sometimes I think the media puts in known controversial crap just to stir up a reaction.

I hope they are flooded with anti Rove feedback.
You have beautifully captured all the nuances of High Weasel. Praise Him!
Makes me wish I read Newsweek so I could boycott it.
The same day that I heard Rove was now going to be cough..gag..puke...a "columnist"...I happened upon an Interview on cspan of Jeff Gannon about his"career" in the Press Pool....and his NEW book ...he is also being revised as a legitimate GOP columinist...How can these people have any credibility given to them....why oh a bad dream...
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