Thursday, November 01, 2007


My Spam, My Self

Like many mah-drenn gals, I measure my life satisfaction by the options that show up in my inbox as spam.

For a while, I felt that the cyber-gods had joined forces with Satan and had looked deep into my pathetic little soul and written me off as Definitely On Her Way Out. There were only invitations to trim my belly fat and purchase a high-cost/expensive/many dollars/costly [replica] watch. This was painful to me, especially when I heard that our very sweet and ladylike children's librarian was getting offers that peeled the paint off the Tiny Tots Room.

Well! I thought bitterly. Just because I have passed the age of 60 (and therefore, according to some manufacturers, require 15 times the light that I required before merely to read and do needlework, not that I actually do needlework) should not exempt me from being grossed out by the spam that amazes millions of younger Americans.

I needn't have feared. Just look at the subject lines of today's inbox offerings!

Medications that you need
Time control (those fucking watches again)
Garden (actually Viagra, but that's Satan for you)
Purchase your medications at better prices
Your insatiable chick will be full of pleasure (promotes a Promising New Product called MegaDik)
Extra-Time is your first step to happier...
Discover the source for cheap and quality...
An awesome sex toy for men! (This is for the Personal Puss, an alarmingly lifelike virginal pussy) Image at right is supposed to be fantasy virgin!!??
Lose your weight with pleasure! (Viagra with appetite suppressant?)
From now on small breasts will never be the c...
Hot sex with Viagra pills!
Increase your sperm and pleasure
Give your partner new feelings while have a sex (the ESL crowd)
Experience masturbation as never before

My boss's forward from American Libraries Direct looked small and lonely in the climate of all this rough, warm and moist trade.

Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing!

Makes me wonder how many people respond to these ads for the rough, warm and moist. Let FREEDOM REIGN!!
You have me laughing hysterically. The fantasy virgin looks like they got her at the discount house of ill repute. The caption to her photo should read "You really should use protection for your own safety". Her file goes in the *I just want sex, I don't care what she looks like*, category.
I feel like I need to take a shower, or smoke something.
I pity you for getting such trashy spam.
I consider myself lucky, for soon I plan to work with a Nigerian millionaire's son who plans to reward me with a million dollars american if I offer a little space in my bank account for a brief time to hide his father's great riches from the evil doers.
Well humph Zippie, but I just got an email from Miss Sabela Smith, whose father was an assistant to Charles Taylor and we are talking $73 million, so I guess I'll be seeing you on the Paris Hilton circuit!!
Fine and dandy with me.
You'll recognize me by the replica Rolex on my wrist and my breath smelling like e-mail order OxyContin from Canada.
More later, I have to respond to Bill Gates's generous offer of $10,000 to beta test his Microsoft Outlook e-mail service.
In fact, if I forward his e-mail offer to a thousand close friends, he's offering me an additional $1,000 per name. He said he considered it a simple marketing expense- and God knows he needs new MS customers.

And by the way, don't flash your headlights at oncoming cars with their brights on- it's a gang initiation and they will kill you dead.
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