Wednesday, January 10, 2007


A Message from the President of the United States of America

My Fellow Americans:

I am here tonight to correct a very grave misunderstanding that is interferin' with our national dialogue on just how to go forward in Iraq. (Sayin' go forward is pretty Presidential, doncha think?)

For the last couple weeks I've been hearin' troop surge till my eyeballs nearly busted outa my skull. Surge, surge, surge!! Didn't happen. Didn't say it.

What I said was splurge. Troop splurge. As soon as our 22,000 additional troops that I am dispatching next week as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces get back from Iraq, we're going to send them on one super-duper shoppin' trip. After all, we Americans aren't warriors at heart; we're shoppers. And I intend to honor that precious national value.

That's right. Just give me your sons and daughters for another year or two, and when they get back from selling the ultimate American product, FREEDOM, their Uncle Sam will take them to the mall of their choice for a shoppin' sweep they'll never forget. All they can stuff into a shoppin' cart in two hours!!

And that's not all: if your son or daughter doesn't come back from Iraq unbagged, we're going to give that shoppin' trip to the survivin' relative. It's the least we can do.

So don't get carried away by all the rumors generated by the liberal mainstream media. You can still count on me--for victory in the war on terror, and for a big boost in the retail economy when and if your loved ones come home!

Don't think surge; think splurge.

God Bless America!

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