Friday, October 27, 2006


Bring 'Em On... but Not Till My Product Line Debuts

I find myself oddly stimulated by President Bush's statement on our troops' presence in Iraq: "If we leave, they will follow us here."

I don't see such possibilities as problems; I see them as merchandising opportunities. I had thought that the Department of Homeland Security would step into the breach with a fund raiser that would replenish the coffers after our generous tax cuts and all-out nation building in Iraq. The government does seem to be distracted with all its wars, present and possible. It's said that the only people using the terror level warning system are airline employees (who want to know whether or not to make you surrender your tubes of K-Y jelly at the security screening area) and the terrorists themselves.

Ever the patriot-entrepreneur, I stand ready to pitch a series of fashion imperatives that will remind us daily of the terrorist threat and provide us with a series of opportunities for accessorizing (with additional tax cuts available to me as my income soars):

Terror alert socks--What better way to familiarize yourself with the system and remind your friends and neighbors that at any moment we could be blown to smithereens or inflicted with deadly pustules than to wear socks color-keyed to our terror level du jour?

Terror alert scarves and neckties--Offset those sox with neckwear that exhibits your commitment to living in terror.

Terror alert bracelet--Global warming has those temperatures soaring, and you've abandoned shirts and shoes. Stay terrified with our handsome all-weather wristbands. Waterproof!

Terror mood ring--You like subtlety, don't want to follow the crowd, yet you spend each day wondering whether it will be your last. The terror mood ring comes in several styles, from rose cut solitaire to handsome, understated band. Contact us about group rates for your graduating class!

Terror tees--Perfect for P.E. classes and intramural sports! Shred 'em, slash 'em, stomp 'em, wear 'em with jeans or with blazers, or both. Strut your fear! Plain or with our terrorist hunting permit (above). Monograms are $5 extra.

Terror pashminas! Don't let a night out on the town deprive you of your opportunity to remind your fellow revelers of the danger that stalks us at all times. Throw on a pashmina with the alert color of the day and step out into the bright lights of the big city. Never forget!

I can only say to President Bush, you have underestimated us. We stand ready to confront the terrorists, to educate our friends and neighbors, and to make the money that heretofore has been principally directed to Halliburton and Bechtel. With hard work and old fashion Yankee ingenuity, we will welcome the terrorists to our shores and fill them with fast food, anchor them with mortgages, and swath them in patriotic fashion statements, before exporting their jobs to their countries of origin.

God Bless America!

Shoot, why not include terror alert condoms. Even during sex we should be aware that people "want to kill Americans".

My feeling is that if they are going to follow us home, we just turn around and grab them. How difficult is that? Either that or we don't let them get on the plane that we're coming home aboard. What are they gonna do, swim behind our ships all the way over here? I doubt it.

Oh, my god, I need me one of them thar huntin lisensus.
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