Tuesday, September 19, 2006
White House Abandons Homeland Security, Launches Rapture Drills
In an act of rebellion against a rebelling Congress, President Bush has suspended his efforts in homeland security and has begun a series of Rapture drills in the White House.The drills are being offered in lieu of the Executive Branch's usual Bible study groups and are being met with great enthusiasm by staff members.
Working from a copy of The Apocalypse for Dummies, Mr. Bush has persuaded fellow staffers and select members of Congress that, rather than save the nation from terror attacks, it would be best to apply Mr. Bush's "bring it on" spirit to the end of the world. "If I can't use 'alternative options' in my questioning of detained terror suspects, I can't see a reason to go on. We've primed the environment and created optimal diplomatic conditions in the Middle East. We've got so many 666ers and Whores of Babylon out there that it's hard to tell which one is Big Tuna. So let's bring the Big It on," he has told confidants.
Working to hasten the Rapture is congruent with Mr. Bush's domestic policy, insiders say. "He likes to do favors for friends. His whole presidency is about taking care of like-minded folks. In the Rapture, the world comes to an end, believers are sucked up to heaven by a big cosmic vacuum cleaner, and then they get front-row seats while everybody else is tormented by the Anti-Christ. What's not to like?"
Mr. Bush has awarded a no-bid contract to Halliburton to coordinate the details of the vacuuming job. "They don't have any experience in this area, but they've worked with a lot of heavy equipment. There can't be that much difference between oil rigs and giant suck machines," Mr. Bush is said to have informed associates. "Nobody sucks better than Halliburton, generally speaking. They have my full confidence."
Happy Bunny, who witnessed one of the drills, commented, "They do suck, and it's sad."
# posted by Lulu Maude @ 4:26 PM 
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Those floating prople sorta look like those floating clothes in "War of the Worlds".
Indeed Homeland Security has been ditched. Some guy drove into the Capitol!
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Indeed Homeland Security has been ditched. Some guy drove into the Capitol!
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