Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Dust Off Your Cleats: Your Country Calls

I propose that we do away with all this warfare nonsense and replace bombs with the balls of nations' choice (truck nuts excepted). That way when the "battle" is over, we'll have a clearer sense of who's actually won. Few are the arguments about which team has racked up a greater number of scores.

According Lacrosse, Little Brother of War, Native tribes settled all sorts of scores with an admittedly bloody sport that nevertheless left the majority of its combatants alive to play another game. The teams ran for miles, and the two sides got their ya yas out and the winning tribe emerged with its honor restored.

The U.S. would probably have to spiff up its soccer skills, since that is the game of choice for most of our would-be competitors. Or nations could all take on a new game, lacrosse being an obvious choice. Perhaps the aggrieved nations could choose the game to play, or the winner could take two out of three games in a variety of sports selected.

Athletics are already a source of jingoism and macho obsession--why not turn them to an even greater National Good? The press would love it; the government wouldn't try to put blinders on its coverage, and Monday morning quarterbacks would be upgraded to major generals. Ticket sales could finance the contests, so that our "military" actions could pretty much pay for themselves.
Corporate sponsors could have a hand in the action in order to make this new form of warfare a winner for them, too.

Sure, there'd be all the doping that's illegal now, but it would beat prisoners housed in torture chambers, neighborhoods leveled by missiles, and misstatements by chief executives as to who'd actually won. Besides, steroids seem to be fine with Our Lord and Savior, since His personal representative here on earth already partakes so freely of them.

Our current, testosterone-pumped prexy and former sports team owner is just the guy to lead the way. Step up to the plate, Mr. Prez.

I think the global sport that decides who leads whom should be figure skating.
Lemme see them Arabs try THAT.
Can't we just measure every adult males' wang, calculate the national average, and award world supremacy accordingly? I *HATE* televised sporting events.
Wow! What a plan! I can see the sales of penis pumps spiraling into the stratosphere!
p.s. Sister Nancy, watching televised sporting events (if that's what Jesus wants to do) is a great chance to perform elaborate manicures.
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