Friday, April 29, 2005
The Great Speckled Bird: coming to you a school near you!
Bibles in the Odessa, TX classroom -- no problem
The school board in this West Texas town voted unanimously to add a Bible class to its high school curriculum. –news item
BOOK REPORT
TITLE: THE BIBLE
AUTHOR: GOD
PLOT SUMMARY: This book is about the world, how it began and how it’s going to end. In it, God makes the world a couple of times, gets pissed off at the people he put in it, and jerks them around somewhat. First he gives them a nice place, then he kicks them out of it, then he hoses the whole place down for 40 days and 40 nights while two of everybody goes on a cruise. Then they get out at Mt. Ararat and shop. Finally, God rips off some land belonging to other people and gives it to his people. Then he lets the other people kick his people out. Noah gets drunk and hangs out after he passes out. Onan was the first masturbator. God zaps him. Then Job gets pestilences and boils on his butt, and he cries out Why Me Lord? God says there aren’t any guarantees, even if your good. Then he tells all the complainers and whiners that it’s their own fault that their lives suck. Sometimes he hardens the hearts of some of their enemies just for the hell of it. Once his people begged him for help against a really obnoxious guy who was putting Zeus-statues in their temple, but God was having a big fight of his own in heaven and told them to call back later. Then he had a son with a virgin and worked it so that he would be put to death as a sacrifice for all the sinners of the world. Jesus said Blessed are the poor which my teacher says to ignore. Anyway, losing his Son calmed God down for some reason, and he patched things up with people. Now his dead son is going to come back and serve as a judge with him, and they’re going to put an end to history with a really big blow out. John this guy on an island said so he said he had a vision. Or maybe he just had tomatoes at dinner and a really bad dream. It was pretty colorful, though.
OPINION: I liked this book a lot. God is a pretty wild story teller, and he’s cool to show himself acting like such a psychopath sometimes. I wish I could of named the animals. That would be so far out. How did Adam come up with leopard, anyway? Zebra? I liked the fights and the big flood. I wish I could rise up and slay my brother sometimes, so I liked the Cain and Abel. Ditto Abraham going in unto that slave girl. When I get lucky someday I will refer to it as going in unto. The poems were sort of boring: all that whining about mine enemies. The only exception was that love song by Solomon which my teacher says is about Christ and his church. I don’t think so. Does the church have hips?
The best part is the part about history coming to an end with a big show of force. I don’t like history. It’s a drag, and I think that sending it off with explosions and a lot of judging ought to be really interesting. Sort of like Survivor or American Idol, only bigger.
I would recommend this book to my friends if I had any. The end.
The school board in this West Texas town voted unanimously to add a Bible class to its high school curriculum. –news item
BOOK REPORT
TITLE: THE BIBLE
AUTHOR: GOD
PLOT SUMMARY: This book is about the world, how it began and how it’s going to end. In it, God makes the world a couple of times, gets pissed off at the people he put in it, and jerks them around somewhat. First he gives them a nice place, then he kicks them out of it, then he hoses the whole place down for 40 days and 40 nights while two of everybody goes on a cruise. Then they get out at Mt. Ararat and shop. Finally, God rips off some land belonging to other people and gives it to his people. Then he lets the other people kick his people out. Noah gets drunk and hangs out after he passes out. Onan was the first masturbator. God zaps him. Then Job gets pestilences and boils on his butt, and he cries out Why Me Lord? God says there aren’t any guarantees, even if your good. Then he tells all the complainers and whiners that it’s their own fault that their lives suck. Sometimes he hardens the hearts of some of their enemies just for the hell of it. Once his people begged him for help against a really obnoxious guy who was putting Zeus-statues in their temple, but God was having a big fight of his own in heaven and told them to call back later. Then he had a son with a virgin and worked it so that he would be put to death as a sacrifice for all the sinners of the world. Jesus said Blessed are the poor which my teacher says to ignore. Anyway, losing his Son calmed God down for some reason, and he patched things up with people. Now his dead son is going to come back and serve as a judge with him, and they’re going to put an end to history with a really big blow out. John this guy on an island said so he said he had a vision. Or maybe he just had tomatoes at dinner and a really bad dream. It was pretty colorful, though.
OPINION: I liked this book a lot. God is a pretty wild story teller, and he’s cool to show himself acting like such a psychopath sometimes. I wish I could of named the animals. That would be so far out. How did Adam come up with leopard, anyway? Zebra? I liked the fights and the big flood. I wish I could rise up and slay my brother sometimes, so I liked the Cain and Abel. Ditto Abraham going in unto that slave girl. When I get lucky someday I will refer to it as going in unto. The poems were sort of boring: all that whining about mine enemies. The only exception was that love song by Solomon which my teacher says is about Christ and his church. I don’t think so. Does the church have hips?
The best part is the part about history coming to an end with a big show of force. I don’t like history. It’s a drag, and I think that sending it off with explosions and a lot of judging ought to be really interesting. Sort of like Survivor or American Idol, only bigger.
I would recommend this book to my friends if I had any. The end.
# posted by Lulu Maude @ 6:08 PM 
