Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Letters I Ought to Finish Someday

Dear Rick Santorum,

Is it by chance or design that your chosen name is one p shy of a prick? Your equation of homosexuality and bestiality were especially obnoxious, and if you go on long enough, your constituents are going to imagine nuns doing more outrageous things than ruler-rapping your knuckles…

Dear President Obama,

Although my disappointments in you are many, I am trying to take responsibility for my own expectations and the naiveté with which I listened to you during the campaign. What about alpha males and political manipulation did I not understand?

I have been most bitterly concerned, however, with your positively Dickensian slashing of the heating oil program for the poor. In this abandonment of Democratic principles your advisers do not serve you well. ..

Dear Postal Service,

For God’s sake, stop apologizing for being a quasi-governmental enterprise. You’re a Constitutional provision, for crying out loud. Stop genuflecting to free market ideology and do what you have to do.

And by the way, the next time you send out some management type to break the bad news, please observe the following cautions:

Only mediocre managers entirely lacking in vision use the expression go forward in reference to implementing really bad decisions.

Lose the video. A media presentation on the loss of jobs only enrages the audience, unless you’re playing to a packed house of Republicans. Employees concerned about their futures see it as just another expense.

Further reducing the standard of service is not the way to turn around a situation of massive loss.

There is no reason that the post office should be forced to make a profit.

What’s the relationship between Darrell Issa and FedEx, and what’s he doing in what is an obvious conflict of interest situation? He should go forward—right off the committee overseeing the problems of the postal service. Have you considered Bernie Sanders as an abler replacement for that bastard?

Dear Newt,

For a so-called brilliant man, you seem to rely on the ignorance of the voters. The ignorant, the uninformed—they are your base.

I like your moon stuff. Perhaps your base could be used as the ultimate fat farm. Perhaps you could be the first colonist. I don’t think that Callista would miss you much. Clearly she’s in it for the bling. Be sure to leave your charge cards behind.

Got to run. There's never enough time, is there?

With disdain,

Monday, January 02, 2012


It's Almost Over, Iowa...

The circus is about to leave town, Iowa... will you miss all the clowns?

They have, at least, eaten a lot, titillating, if not stimulating, the local economy and pretending to be very, very concerned with the well-being of the heartland.
Nothing says Regular Guy (or Gal) like gagging down a corn dog.

I miss Herman Cain. I'll bet he'd have emerged with the Pizza Ranch Chicken's endorsement. Nobody can talk pizza like Herman Cain.

From Iowa I guess it's on to our next-door neighbor New Hampshire. Eek. It was one thing to be inundated by Democratic hopefuls last time around, and it is something else to have the circus come to town in the misery of winter. The big top is cold.

I wonder if Lamar Alexander has had a garage sale for getting rid of his flannel shirts. Will we see them on Mitt? Newt could buy a couple and have them made into the Buffet King size.

We don't have TV at our house, so we'll miss all those swell commercials. We listen only to public radio, so that takes care of those airwaves. That leaves the newspapers, and our local rag has endorsed poor Jon Huntsman, who lags behind, probably because he wasn't caught in flagrante delicto with any corn dogs.

But I digress. It's nearly over, O Hawkeye State. Did the candidates scold you about gay marriage? Did they burn any books in Ames? Are you wheezing from the diesel of all those campaign buses?

May you rest in comparative peace.

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